More demotivators! Hip Hip Hooray! Sarcasm and irony are back in full swing here at the V&WO ranch. Judging from the abysmal lack of commentary on my last three posts, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that these are what you people come here for? Please prove it - leave comments for me. Yes, Mother, you too. It's your maternal duty, like parent-teacher conferences and archiving naked-baby-pictures for Metalupis' and my wives.
On a somewhat lighter note, I am proud to announce that I have independent confirmation from three unrelated sources who tell me that my blog has been officially blocked by the Chinese government. Must have been the cracks I made in my first couple sets of demotivators about communism and buddhism. All I can say is that if I piss off one person, I've probably screwed up, but if I piss off an entire government and system of belief, I may be doing something very, very right. So, who out there is going to compile and publish these bad boys into a book for me to smuggle into China?
As always, leave comments, critiques, suggestions, righteous indignation, profane indignation, indigenous indignation, ingenuous indignation, or a wombat. . .er. . . .
So my friends and I were talking about comic-books-made-into-movies and decided that a Justice League offering should be in the wings somewhere. Thus we started talking about a possible plot, characters, and who we would cast in various roles, trying to be as true to the look, feel, and attitude of the DC characters as we possibly could (despite the fact that hollywood seems to care less about accuracy and more about star power). After much debate and revision (and without total consensus) we came to a basic roster of the seven main founders and a few supporting or secondary members. My friends insist that I publish this online, if for nothing else than to prove that we had the idea first :) If you have ideas for other actors for other J.L. members or villains, or even other suggestions for who we have already mentioned, post 'em here. Not that anyone would ever be able to afford bringing all these people together for one flick, but maybe if they wanted to collaborate just for the fun of it. . .
Superman – Brandon Routh. He did a great job in Superman Returns, he's got the look and mannerisms down, and I'm all for consistency wherever we can get it.
Batman – Christian Bale. Absolutely one of the best Batmans ever. Again, he has the look, mannerisms, and consistency. I couldn't pick anyone else for the Dark Knight.
Green Lantern (Hal Jordan) – Viggo Mortenson. A little bit older, a little grizzled, quiet, and thoroughly hardcore. The kind of guy who doesn't talk often, but when he does, people listen. And yeah, some people will point out that John Stewart, Guy Gardner, or even Kyle Rayner were more involved with the J.L. than Jordan, but Jordan is still the consummate Lantern in my book.
Martian Manhunter – The Rock. Some of you will immediately groan at bringing The Rock into this, but just stop and consider for a moment. All he's really got to do is stand there with his arms folded and look muscular and intimidating (which The Rock does quite well), mutter a few lines of subdued but profound dialogue (which he does well), and toss the bad guys around like rag dolls (which, well, you get the idea). A little green paint and we're good to go. http://imdb.com/name/nm0425005/
Flash – Paul Walker. The one thread linking all of Paul Walker's movies is that he loves playing a smart-alec who can't help but shoot his mouth off, even if it's the dumbest possible thing one could do in a situation.
Hawkgirl – Mariska Hargitay. This one was harder to place, since traditionally Hawkgirl was never the tall, rail-thin shape of so many actresses. We needed someone shorter and more buff, and I think Hargitay fills the role nicely, and her role on Law & Order: SVU proves she can be pretty badass when necessary.
Wonder Woman – Eva Green. The new Bond Girl, in my humble opinion, has the face, hair, and body to make a fine Amazonian princess, and I'd love to see her in a role where she gets to kick as much butt as Daniel Craig.
Green Arrow – Jamie Hyneman. If you ever watch the Mythbusters episode where they are trying to figure out if it's possible to split an arrow with another arrow, Robin Hood style, watch when Jamie fires a couple arrows and imagine him with a green hat. He's got the muscles, the dry sense of humor, and, most importantly, the moustache.
Hawkman – Vin Diesel. Big. Muscled. Brutal. Not going to get an invite to the MENSA ball. But Hawkman's perfectly comfortable with a large and messy weapon in each hand, which Vin Diesel has played in Riddick and other movies. Kind of like The Rock, in that he's not going to get many lines, but the fight sequences wouldn't be the same without him.
Aquaman – Daniel Craig. Buff and blond are the two big visual requirements for Aquaman. Matthew McConaughey was considered for the role, but he's just too smiley. Craig better represents Aquaman's somber and sober outlook on life.
Black Canary – Uma Thurman. Uma would essentially be reprising her role from Kill Bill, just fighting hand-to-hand instead of with a sword. And the physical resemblance is perfect.
Zatana – Kate Beckinsale. Tall, dark, magical, and not afraid to walk around in a corset and top-hat. Enough said.
Blue Beetle – Jason Statham – Statham has proven his on-screen hand-to-hand ability in the Transporter movies, and the Beetle is essentially the DC version of Spider-Man, so this works out wonderfully.
Oracle – Nikki Cox. A cute redhead to sit in a wheelchair and find more fine-detail information on any subject than actually exists either online or off.
Elongated Man – Matthew McConaughey. Elastic Man is, by nature, nearly indestructible, which gives him a carefree outlook on life. McConaughey is charming and smiley and flirtatious enough to perfectly portray this happy-go-lucky hero.
Green Lantern (John Stewart) – Keenan Ivory Wayans. I have reservations about tagging a Wayans brother to play a character as introspective and thoughtful as Stewart, but I think Keenan has what it takes, and his look is perfect for the role. Just gotta keep him low-key and pensive.
Green Lantern (Guy Gardner) – Colin Farrell. A self-proclaimed bad boy thug to play a self-proclaimed bad boy thug, Gardner always relied on his fists to do his talking for him, and Farrell can carry his Devil-may-care attitude like second skin.
Captain Marvel – Dean Cain. I know I'm going to be immediately vilified by every female Lois and Clark fanatic for downgrading Cain from Superman to DC's second-string superman clone, but I like Routh's S-man better, and Cain fits Marvel's image better, anyway. And he's got experience in tights and a cape.
After each profile I've included a link to the actor's profile on the Internet Movie DataBase and a link to a Wikipedia article of the character so you can hopefully see what made us choose who we did. Like I said above, feel free to chime in with alternate suggestions, other characters and actors for them, and villains.
Olde Sacred Heart
Well, for forty years and forty more my mum (God bless her heart)
has faithfully parishoned at Our Savior's Sacred Heart,
through bishops, priests and rectors, through confessions, lent, and mass,
more permanent a fixture than the chapel's lead-stained glass.
But me, I've got more wanderlust than Heaven should permit,
and every chance to travel has me chomping at the bit.
And, though my mum may still be found interred at Sacred Heart,
it wasn't very long before this pilgrim did depart.
I was christened at Saint Peter's and was baptized at Saint Paul's,
confirmed in good Saint Christopher's revered and hallowed halls.
I married in Saint Mary's and, upon the day I die,
beneath the stones of Benedict's is where my corpse will lie.
I've taken of the Eucharist in seventeen Assumptions
and genuflected in two score Immaculate Conceptions.
I've crossed myself in Holy Cross in seven diocese,
said pater noster at twelve sets of Queen of Heaven's knees.
Saint Paddy's in Chicago and Saint Paddy's in New York,
Saint James' in bonnie London-town, Saint Augustine's in Cork,
Saint Wenceslaus, Saint Boniface, Saint Bridgette's and Saint Joe's,
Saint Francis of Assisi and the Abbey of Ambrose.
Of Matthew, Mark, and Luke, and John, a score of ten apiece,
full thirty Notre Dames (of those but two Our Lady Peace).
Confessed at nine Annunciates and blessed at six Saint Anne's,
in five Saint Michaels fondled every relic that you can.
Immanuels are plentiful, in eight I've said Hail Marys.
In three Saint Cyril's I've received indulgence quite plenary.
I've thirty rosaries, one from each Saint Teresa seen,
and in Saint Tom Aquinas on six continents I've been.
Basilicas, cathedrals, monasteries, chapels, shrines,
and every country parish that would serve me bread and wine.
I've gone as far and wide as any faithful pilgrim can,
for all my years you know I've been a Roamin' Catholic man!
- Ravus Caelum
note: for anyone who's interested, the intended tune is "Seven Deadly Sins" by Flogging Molly
The Edge of Mercy
If vengeance be Thy sovereign right alone,
most sovereign God, on highest spheres enthroned,
cast forth Thine hand, spend earnèd wrath in whole;
no longer test and try my vexèd soul.
Thine enemies, and mine, swagger arrayed
in blasphemies of Thy great Name betrayed,
against my soul adorned in mockery,
and swathed in self-assigned sublimity.
And, yet, by Thine inviolate command
of mercy, stayest Thou my dreadnaught hand.
They ravish grace, they howl and plead for Hell,
but bidest Thou, and bid me bide as well.
Though judgment is, upon Thy lips, an oath
they guzzle nectars bled from sundered troth.
Thy words of justice taste to me as ash
as saints, by reprobates, are strewn and dashed.
If mercy be Thy plea, consider these:
saints, martyred, 'neath Thine altar, unappeased,
who cry “How long ere Thou avenge, O Lord?”,
their solace in the promise of Thy sword.
As they, so do I yearn to see Thine arm
uphold Thy crownèd Name from sland'rous harm,
guard jealously Thy Maiden's virgin bloom,
wreak havoc on twice-treas'nous souls, their doom.
For Thou will judge: Thou promised ere Thou must.
I cling to this though arms and armor rust:
Thou, Christ, the Lamb by whom my sin was borne
must never suffer twice such grievous scorn.
Despising scorn, contemning every shame,
Thou will display the terror of Thy Name,
Thine heav'nly host distending spheres of sky,
triumphant battle-banner hoisted high!
But, now until that day, I must endure
damnable filth slung 'pon Thee, wholly pure.
So, impotent, my broken, shadowed heart
grasps, mad, as glory's echoes dim, depart.
Thy Kingdom come, and leave no place to flee.
Thy will be done, spare none which disagree.
This bond-slave first: search every hidden thing.
This bond-slave holds no fear of judgment's sting.
New Demotivators! Yay! Or groan, depending on your point of view, I suppose. Two quick notes: First, my apologies to St. Patrick. Second, for those of you who might feel uncomfortable about the picture used for my porn demotivator, I assure you that it is an image of four fully clothed individuals skillfully pixilated for me by the ever-reliable Mr. Schulteis. No pornography was viewed in the making of this demotivational picture.
As always, ever, and anon, please leave comments. Feel free to share me with your friends (yes, that was a shameless plug. I'm looking forward to breaking 20 comments on a post someday).
More to come. . .sometime. . . .take it easy, and enjoy the weather!
Okay, so I apologize for the excessive time between posts. I've been busy and sometimes creativity doesn't turn on when you want it to. It took a lot of trial and error to get the wordings as they are now. That being said, I reserve the right to tweak the wording on any of these in the future. *chuckle*
As always, please leave a comment, an opinion, a greeting, something. I get depressed when I only get two comments on an entire post :)
Happy St. Paddy's Day to you all, and I'll try and get more up sooner next time.
(Oh, and for those of you keeping count, this post should break 100 De-motivational posters - that's gotta be some sort of achievement :) )
Hey, everyone! Back with more, as promised. Be kind to me and post your comments, positive or negative, great or small, first time or twentieth. Looking forward to hearing from you! As always, if you have ideas, words or concepts you'd like to see treated in this fashion, feel free to share them with me. Special thanks in this round to Steven Schulteis for a bit 'o last-minute inspiration! Enjoy!